Efforts to relax

I can’t sleep anymore. My life is ruined.

It all started with a simple question.

Yes, that’s what started it, a simple question. I couldn’t have expected what followed.

Picture this, we’re at this playdate with parents and their kids from all different walks of life. We talk about all the difficulties of being new parents: Terrible 2’s, how to change a nappy on a moving monster, how to handle no’s, discipline, irrational baby behavior, and all those other things that non parents could never understand.

It was fine, until this lady said something to me:

• You seem to handle it well
• You think? Maybe I don’t know, I feel lucky. I have a lot of help and my partner does a lot so-

One of the father heard us. He stopped what he was doing. The brute forced himself into our conversation. That bastard just couldn’t control himself.

• François is being humble, I don’t know how he does all of this. Did you know that François is renovating a house, preparing the arrival of a second baby, learning chess, Spanish & Swahili and juggling.
• Well yes, but-
• Oh and aren’t you also preparing to start a business?
• Kind of, it’s just the planning stage, though, it’s not serious until you have your first client.
• Don’t be humble man, How’s your Neuro linguistic programming training going?
• It’s only once a month and-
• And you have that blog, and that job, and that place where you volunteer, toastmasters right? And also

I couldn’t stop, He certainly wasn’t going to stop himself, he had to list every single thing I spent my time with.

He gets louders, and as he does, their faces light up.

The faces of the parents were turning. One of the more stressed-ridden face had to ask the question:

• How are you so relaxed?

I was too stupid to realize what I was getting into. Naively, I tried to answer.

• I don’t know, I think I just listen to myself and don’t overextend if that makes any sense? I like pareto’s 80-20 rule. It states that you can get 80% of results with 20% of efforts. I try to approach everything I do with this principle. For me, It opens up a lot of time and energy.

I didn’t know who my audience was. Mostly salespeople, lawyers, managers and all those other jobs where you argue for a living.

I overestimated my resistance to the world around me. If only I had been aware, I would have realized the profound hate in their eyes.

My story didn’t fit, it was too easy. They couldn’t help themselves. I must have been lying. They hated me for that, especially the fathers.

• Well you can do all that, because you’re lucky with daughter. She’s super easy.
• Yeah, your partner is awesome, she does everything with a smile.
• And your family helps you so much, that’s why it’s so easy for you.

I was ganged up. I tried to answer, but all those arguments against me came too fast for me. I’m not like them. I need time to process things.

When I finally said that the reason that my daughter is easy, is because I did an effort to create a relaxed atmosphere at home and in our interactions, I was hit back with:

• My home is next to a highway, it can’t allow a relaxed atmosphere
• My work is more stressing than yours
• My partner has been in a burnout for months now

When I said that stress at work can easily be changed with a job change, I was hit back with:

• It takes a lot of energy to change job
• It takes a lot of time to find the right job
• You can never know that the new job will be better
• And I don’t have the help from my family like you have

I was so stupid. It was plain to see but I was blind. I should have noticed it, this wasn’t about getting advice from me. It was about destroying me. They never gave me the time to answer each of their problems point by point.

If I’d had the time to answer, Maybe that old me might have said something like:

1. The African in me: Happy Mother in the home, all of the family is happy. My job is to keep Mom happy
2. If I’m easy with my daughter, she’ll be easy with me. If I’m relaxed, she’s relaxed. If you’re afraid of the act putting your baby to sleep, your baby will feel your fear and will be afraid of going to sleep
3. I don’t overburden my family, we ask for specific help, like food or ad hoc babysitting.
4. Stop searching your meaning for life in your jobs, relax and take some time to find one more suited to your current situation.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if that old me had the time to say this and so much more.

I write that old me, because I don’t believe it anymore. When they attacked me, I didn’t have my defenses up. I started to believe what they were saying.

I started to doubt: Maybe I’m just a lucky guy. Maybe their lives really are terrible. Maybe I should never speak as if I’m some kind of expert on these issues. Maybe my whole life is a lie.

Who am I really? What am I doing here? Why do I have so much luck why so many people suffer in the world? Why do I have healthy food for my daughter while other parents don’t? Why do we make babies when our earth is heading to an ecological disaster? Why is there still war in a world of perfect information exchange?

The questions never left me. They follow me to bed. They follow me to work. They follow me when I hold my daughter in my arms. They follow me when I look into the eyes of the woman I love.

I tried to hide those questions from the people around me. But they all felt it. I changed. I’m not the same anymore. I used to be ignorant, I used to be happy, relaxed, lucky. But now, I’m just a doubt ridden shell of myself.

I’ve become like them. I’ve become the complainer on the playdates. I complain about the latest statement of some random politician of some random country that has no impact on my life. I complain about the wars still going on. I complain about the lack of efforts of multinationals to reduce pollution.

And the more I complain, the more I connect with them.

I complain about the high taxes in my country. I complain about how they mishandle the money they steal from me. I complain about their blatant abuse of my emotional state to get my votes.

And the more I complain, the more I connect with them.

I complain about my noisy neighbor. I complain about how the renovation is costing more than expected and taking more time. I complain about how difficult and energetic my daughter has become.

That one hit me like freight train. I don’t love my daughter like I used to. Our relationship has changed. She feels it. We don’t laugh like we used to.

By trying to connect with those haters, I lost the connection to my daughter.

The freight train keeps rolling on me and crushing my hopes, dreams and love, I take the decision: I’m going to be who I was before.

I have to make an effort, for her. I try to stop complaining, I never complained before.

I try to relax with all those superficial things that are just a coat of paint on deep and profound wounds: I put on more candles, take more baths, meditate more, run more,  read more, I do more and more and more

I’m trying and I’m trying more and more to do these efforts to relax.

But nothing, I can’t sleep anymore. The guy in the youtube video says that healthy sleep is important for emotional stability. It’s too easy, He must be lying.

Fuck that guy.

I laugh and finish the bottle of red wine.