Retirement Dreaming

This is about one of my first mentor. I met him in one of my first student jobs. I won’t focus on our relationship and how he helped me become who I am today. That could be the subject for another article.

I’d like to focus on his dream.

It was his last day before retiring. He came into the office early. He saw me sitting and walked straight at me. He didn’t even take his morning coffee:

• François I have to tell you about the dream I had: I wake up in my bed, it’s too early, around 5am or something. I can’t fall back asleep. My mind is racing. I think about all the last times. Stuff like: It’s my last day. It will be the last time I go to work. It will be the last time that I hear my alarm. The last time that I-
• What happened next?

I was still so young ang impatient. I just had to interrupt him.

• You’re right, you don’t need all the details. Next, still in the dream, my alarm rings and I shut it off before my wife wakes up. I get up and prepare myself. I go through my morning routine. But this time, I’m ultra aware, I’m ultra-conscious. Everything feels like the last time. I’m super aware of every little action I do and take in my morning routine. I feel it deep. This is the last time. I even thought that I was going to die for a moment.
• But it’s only your last day of work

I was trying to reassure him.

• I know, I’m talking about the dream here. I’m still in the dream, thinking about all the last times and I arrive at work with this intense fear. Some part of me doesn’t want to come to work. I’m sure that I will die when I close my work computer for the last time.
• So what you’re saying is that it was a nightmare?
• Stop interrupting me ! Where was I? Right, I enter the office, and I see you. We talk and you say something like. Oh don’t worry, it’s just a day like any other, only your last one. You said something like: You’ll have so much time for you, your friends and your family or something like that.
• I sound so wise.

I was trying to make a joke. I was starting to feel a little tense.

• Don’t, François, listen please. When you say that in the dream, It scares the shit out of me. Because I realize in that moment that most of my friends and family died, that my kids have their own lives and that I have nothing else but this job.
• Oh come on, surely you must have-
• No ! Everything in my life is centered around this job. My sleeping habits, my house, my shopping, everything ! I spend all of my time here. The only friends I have are here, at this job. What will remain if I leave? Will I just come to the office to have a drink with you? No, of course not. You have a job, and I won’t have one anymore.
• What a nightmare.

I had to change the subject.

• I think you need coffee.
• No, yes, sorry. I mean, no it wasn’t a nightmare and yes let’s get coffee.

We walked to the coffee machine. He took his usual cappuccino, in his custom-made coffee mug his colleagues commissioned for him for his 40 years of service at the company.

He drank his first sip, he calmed down, and continued.

• You know how in dreams time is a little weird? Well I don’t really remember how or when, but everyone was here in the break room. I mean everyone I’ve worked with, current colleagues, old colleagues, clients, suppliers.
• Didn’t you realize that it was a dream at that point?
• No, when you’re dreaming, you don’t know that you are dreaming François.

I don’t think I realized how profound this statement was until I see them now on my computer screen. Anyways, back to the dream.

• Fine, what happened next, are we still in the break room now?
• Yes, We’re talking about my fears of all the last times and as the people keep coming in, they bring so many gifts. They talk about the memories that we shared together. We even start to make plans. My calendar starts to fill up. I’ll have so many things to do with all my friends. Then I woke up.
• What do you think it meant?
• I think that the dream was telling me youthat the connections I have with everyone here are real. The moments I have with everyone are important. All the time and love that we shared, matters. The connections that I made in my life are real and will never be broken. I’ll never be alone, I will not die alone.

I felt a tinge of anxiety and sadness gripping my chest harder and harder the more that he went on speaking.

• Remember how I told you that everything is about the connections you make with people. They will determine your career, your business and you happiness. You should never underestimate this, François

I agreed with him. But still, I felt this pressure on my chest.

As the hours went by, It dawned on me. We’re in the vacation period, almost no one was going to come to the office that day.

I don’t know if he had realized that as well. It seemed that he kept his enthusiasm.

Still, I could see something it in his eyes. He was forcing all this positive enthusiasm and energy. His dream had lied to him.

Noon approached, our manager finally arrived. She was dressed in casual clothes. She was usually in a suit. She knew that no one important would see her that day. She didn’t event go into her office. She came straight at us.

• Let’s go guys, I’m inviting you guys to lunch.

We left for the parking, I went with him in his car. We were going to the nearest restaurant.

Between his classic hard rock song, he commented:

• See? I told you François, you always get what you deserve in life.

I could tell by his tone that he wanted to believe in what he was saying.

• I’m sure they’re all waiting for me at the restaurant.

He had guessed it, we did prepare a surprise. But his dream had lied to him. He was me reacting to his guess and said:

• You don’t have to say anything, François. They did a surprise lunch for the CEO when she had her promotion to global management. We had the afternoon off. You want to know the crazy part? She had only worked here for 5 years.

He was so sure that they were going to do the same thing for him. I knew I had to say something. But the intense gripping on my chest didn’t let me talk. Yes, people were waiting for him, but it was only our team.

Our team was 4 people.

We arrived, we went in. He saw the empty restaurant except for one table with 3 people. I looked at him in that moment.

I saw it, his smile changed. Any enthusiasm that might have still been in him, left in that moment.

Yes, he did keep a semblance of a smile, he even thanked “everyone” for coming. He was that type of a guy, always staying positive.

There we were in the restaurant, five people eating cheap frites carbonnades.

The budget we received for his farewell lunch didn’t allow for crazy “expenses”.

We ate in a torturing silence, disturbed only by forced remarks about the great times we had together.

When we all came back to office, we continued to work. We had some deadlines to meet. Our manager asked us to take his work, it was his last day after all.

When I took a mental break, I looked at him. His eyes were just staring ahead, empty. Like a doll looking at a wall.

He looked dead to me.

He noticed me looking. He jerked up and his a sort of smiling mask formed on his face. I had to ask.

• How do you feel?
• I’m fine, don’t worry. I’ll be fine.

I guess that he could hear my thoughts from looking at my face.

• We’ll see each other again.

I had to say something. The mask appeared again, he looked away, then back at me. His smiling mask was gone.

• Yes, François. We’ll meet again.

The silence was back. The pain in my chest started to spread to my eyes. I could feel the tears arriving. Luckily we were disturbed by our manager.

She asked if he was done and if he had everything with him that was company property. He said yes. They went to her office to go over some things to finalize his retirement.

I turned away, I removed the tears from my face. I was too young to show my vulnerabilities, my toxic masculinity needed me to stay stoic.

I looked at this office. I noticed all the things that he kept there:

• An American flag with the name of the company that bought over the company where he had started to work.
• The picture of the old coffee machine that made actual coffee and not this cheap indrustrial stuff.
• The poster of the mother company where he had used a code to note in plain sight the dates of all the downsizings that happened since the different takeovers. It also noted the names of the CEO’s that ordered the downsizings and the monetary amount of the bonuses they received for firing most of his friends.

 He had explained the meaning of all of this to me and to a few of the people he trusted at the company. Only his friends would know the meaning of those objects.

After half an hour, they came out of her office. She wished him well on his retirement, she stored everything, then came to say goodbye and left the office.

• Great news François, I can leave at 3pm today.

The smiling mask was back. It was back with some forced enthusiasm. I didn’t know how to react. The pain came back stronger. I didn’t know what to say or do.

He knew, he came round to my office and hugged me.

• Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.

When he let go, he had his mask. The mask remained as he said goodbye to the team.

He asked me if I wanted any of his stuff. I didn’t. He took his bag and was going to leave.

• You’re not going to take all your things with you

I said, pointing at the objects showing his life story.

• No, he said without the mask, it’s trash anyway.

He went to the lift, we went with him. He said a last goodbye and went in into the lift.

That was the last time that I ever saw him.