Why parts of me hate coherence

Ever had the same conversation several times? You’re supposed to be with different people, in a different context? Yet, it’s the same conversation?

Are you trying to transition to a career as a guru?

No, no, it’s just that in the span of a week of January 2024, I had 4 conversations that were too similar. They were about challenging who I am, what I say, and my mistakes.

Because you’re so perfect?

I hope not, here’s the context for one of them: the universe and its agents brought a student of Philosophy to my life. We meet regularly. We usually have several talks because he needs help to develop an important life project of his: He wants to propose a vision for a society based on happiness and not productivity.

Why would he EVER come to you?

I really don’t know, but he keeps coming back. I agree with you, I don’t think I am what he’s looking for. And YES, I told him that. I’ve told him that he shouldn’t come to me for help on his project.

But as someone wiser than you once told you:

Maybe it’s not about what he wants, but what he needs?

Correct, so did you ask him why he keeps coming back?

Yes, I was surprised by his answer. He said that it’s true, I don’t know anything about philosophy, philosophers, logic, epistemology and those other important philosophical stuff concepts. BUT he said that I have some kind of “aligned way of living”. He added that most of the “expert philosophers” he personally knows, are kind of weird outcasts that are out of this world and not in it.

Well… I agree with the first part of what he said…

I knew you would, but he went deeper, he said:

• Yes, They are intelligent, they have intelligent arguments, have intelligent beliefs, etc.  But they don’t have “it” in their being. You have “it”.

I guess that he wants to figure “it” out logically…

Big mistake

Yeah, I still don’t understand those intelligent people who think they can “figure out” happiness logically with their awesome brainpower. As if the use of cold logic ever gets rid of bad feelings.

Watch yourself, you were doing it too… with less intelligence…

Fair enough, end of tangent. If I had to qualify my relationship with this student,  I would call him a “mentee”. Even though I’m pretty sure he would hate that term.

Won’t he be reading this?

I honestly don’t know. I hope so. I wonder how he’ll react once he reads my recollection of our discussion that night… He’ll probably say I didn’t represent it correctly… Well If you’re reading this, remember that you got free personal advice that other readers of this article probably won’t receive.

Please get to the point, I have aquaponey later.

Sure, so here is the conversation I had with him:

• François, last month you said you believed in freedom. How can you now say that you believe in destiny?
• Did I say that? I don’t remember.
• Yes, you did! we were talking about subject X.
• True, if it’s X, I believe in freedom and free will.
• But now we’re talking about subject Y, and you talk about destiny.
• Sure yeah.
• But subject X & Y are super close and similar.
• Yes you’re right
• So you can’t say that both are true because-

*Yawn* So interesting…

I know… Anyway, he goes into a monologue about how wrong my reasoning is. I’m pretty sure he also mentions how my arguments have no merit, how I fall into basic philosophical or logical mistakes, etc.

Is he right?

Yes. On all points. That’s why I zone out. He makes a good point, I have to think about it:

• Do I have free will?
• Is my life already determined in advance by internal and/or external forces?
• Does any decision I make matter or am I just the logical conclusion of forces I have no control over?
• Is the act of me making decisions an illusion?
• Am I the sum of all my decisions or was everything already defined by my genetics and the environment I was born into?

Does he notice that you stopped listening?

No, I think he’s too focused on what he’s saying to notice. From the tone of his voice, he seems passionate about what he’s saying. I leave the difficult questions and I come back to reality. I have to be polite. I have to pretend that I’m still an active participant in this conversation. He wants my help, so I do what I can in that situation. I haven’t heard anything he said but I have one trick. I ask him the ultimate question: Why is all of this important to you?

Good one

Right? Here comes his answer, the same answer as in the other conversations.

• François, you need to be coherent.

He really said that? He doesn’t know you very well.

Not at all. But man… That word… “coherence”. It’s so loaded. In that moment, when I hear “coherent”, my unconscious takes control. I have no control over my mouth anymore. I can feel a surge of energy rising up from everywhere in my body. It gathers and concentrate up to the region of my mouth. It takes control of my mouth and utters the words:

• Mentee/Friend/Family member, I never pretended to be coherent.

It was the same answer for the other conversations. Here’s a summary of them:

1. Yes sometimes I believe in God, other times I don’t. Sometimes I believe in spirits, Sometimes I think it’s bullshit. Sometimes I analyze everything before making a decision, sometimes I ask the tarot/I-ching for answers and sometimes I just rush in without any information.
2. Yes I know that I’m not leading a healthy lifestyle, I know the facts and the science, I know I shouldn’t, but I still drink beer, eat a kebab, lack enough sleep, eat too much sugar and don’t drink enough water.
3. Yes I know that I’m not following my own rules to the letter when educating my daughter. Sometimes I let her do stupid things and most of the times I don’t. Yes I seem to think that I have a clear and hard vision about educating her, but I don’t follow my own rules.

I can feel the readers asking: what is “coherence”?

True, thanks for the Segway. Let’s ask a dictionary: Coherence is the quality of being logical and consistent OR the quality of forming a unified whole.

When the word was used against me, I didn’t know this definition. But my unconscious knew and reacted automatically to that word. Reading that definition, me and my conscious and logical mind, have a serious issue with this definition.

WHAT DOES THE WORD QUALITY EVEN MEAN?! WHAT IS BEING?! AND-

Calm down, and please, Don’t talk about that abstract talk, keep it concrete please

Fair enough. Let’s continue with mentee. Mentee needed me to be logical, which I’m not, I have emotions and other forces in me that I listen to, I listen to more than my logic.

He wanted me to be consistent over time, which I’m not. I give myself the possibility to change opinions, behaviors,  beliefs, etc.

He wanted me to be a unified whole, which I’m not. In my life, I have had lots of different experiences, with different people, in different situations, etc. Some of them contradict one another.

I repeat, no abstract stuff, keep it concrete

Fine, Take my view on art:

Yes I believe that art can change the world. By giving meaning to life, It can inspire people to act better and thus changes the world.

But I also believe that art is useless: Because it doesn’t solve practical and concrete problems.

I can have those two contradicting thoughts in me and be okay with them.

I fully know that depending on my mood, time of day/month/year, subject at hand or other factors, I can and will use different beliefs or modes of thinking that can be contradictory.

I AM NOT COHERENT!

Did you tell him all that?

Unfortunately, no. That’s not how the conversation continued. We weren’t talking about me, we were talking about his project. How I understand it, Mentee wants to create a unified system of thinking that will change the way everyone in society approaches life. He believes that his theory could solve a lot of societal problems.

Ambitious. How’s he doing?

I’ll jump ahead. At one point in the conversation, I say this:

• Your project is important! Write your vision down! Share it with the world. I believe you’re right about most of the things you’re saying. The world could use a vision like yours. Share it!
• François, you don’t understand, it needs to be perfect. Because if it has flaws, It can be attacked and destroyed. And thus, it won’t help the world as no one will give it credibility.

*Heavy sigh* Poor guy

I know, for the ones reading the article, please read his answer again.

Have you done it? Great, now read it again.

There is so much to unpack here that I would need several more of these articles.

Some ideas:

• How we treat celebrities/politicians and their flaws
• How we treat mistakes
• How we’re afraid of things that don’t behave the way we’d like them to behave
• The concept of branding and its coherence
• Positive & negative racism/stereotypes
• The need for coherence that limits our perception of reality
• our need to label everything
• the-

We get it, carry on please

For the sake of brevity, here’s what happened after his answer.

My unconscious took control again. My mouth said:

• Damn mentee, you’re right. You need to be perfect otherwise no one will take you seriously. Just think about how others will see you if you fail. They will reject you. You’ll be cast aside, exiled. And think about you, how will you see yourself? You’re intelligent, but if your theory is imperfect, it will prove you aren’t so intelligent after all. It might prove that you’re just an incoherent, illogical, stupid and ordinary human being living a mediocre life. I understand you. It’s so difficult. If I was like you and needed to be coherent, I don’t think I would ever try or create anything new. I think I would always fail, and this would prove to others and to myself, that I’m an complete and utter failure.

How did he take it?

Luckily mentee was smart enough to get the silliness in what my unconscious was saying. But this wasn’t necessarily the case for the other ones.

Change a few words and you have my reaction in the other three conversations.

For the curious among you: it was the health conversation that got heated.

Not the religion one?

No, the people were pretty open and chill in that discussion.

Wrap-up? What is you’re trying to say?

What I want to say by these letters on your screen is that we humans aren’t coherent. We have different nervous systems. They all act independently, sometimes interact and affect our decision making. Yet we pretend to ourselves that we are one coherent whole.

I don’t believe so, we have different social groups, identities, educations and experiences that affect who we are and how we see ourselves. Yet we pretend to ourselves that we’re coherent.

In different social situations or depending on who we’re talking to, we’ll behave very differently, Yet we pretend to ourselves that we’re coherent.

And the worst of it is that we apply those standards to others as well. We expect others to be coherent. We expect others to behave like some ideal of how they’re supposed to behave.

But as a great scientist once said-

The universe is a crazy and chaotic place, Morty

Exactly, We might believe that the world we live in is coherent, but due the craziness and the chaos of said universe, can never be coherent.

There will always be flaws. I just hope that one day we, humans amongst ourselves, can allow those flaws to exist. I hope that instead of discrediting each other based on our flaws, we can help each other mitigate those flaws.

Call to action?

• Think of all the people who, according to you, are wrong
  • Why are they?
  • What contributed to their wrongness?
  • Can they ever become right?
• Think about your answers, could you be wrong?
  • Do you have any flaws?
  • Are you okay with them?
  • Which ones do you have a problem with? Why?
  • Could you accept having them all your life?
• The usual call to actions
  • Spend some time with your family
  • Read a good book
  • Meet your neighbors
  • Enjoy the ride of your life
• The call to actions to help me.
  • Comment the article, I love the feedback and it helps me improve what I do
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  • Reach out to me and say Hi